6 Ways To Improve Your Relationship With Your Partner Today!
I think for most of us, having a healthy, happy relationship with our partner is a top priority. But life can get busy and we can start to not only feel the distance, but the stress and strain fall on our relationship.
So if you’re starting to notice some kinks and want to give your relationship an immediate improvement, try these tips:
Be Kind.
First and foremost, notice your attitude towards your partner. Have the little or even big annoyances taken up too much space between the two of you? Many times the things that annoy us give us the feeling that we can treat or say whatever we want to our partner - “well if he wasn’t so… I wouldn’t be….”
I get it, he’s annoying, but so are you. We’re all annoying! And would we want our partner to always be on us or annoyed or irritated because we didn’t do A, B, or C up to their standards?
If improving your relationship is really what you want, then be kind. Make the effort to not only hold your tongue, but to give grace and understanding and just be sweet.
2. Take Accountability.
So many times, I hear women just break down their partners and never seem to take any accountability for the state of the relationship. And I’m not talking about relationships with abuse or substance abuse or anything that’s super toxic.
I’m talking about good men, who likely have no idea how to be the partner these women are expecting and are doing their best (failing at it - yes, but doing their best). The whole, he needs to do A, B, or C and then we’ll be happy is garbage.
If you want a better relationship, a better partner, you’re going to have to take accountability for the direction of your relationship and own what has been your part in its demise, or at least not being what you want.
This is meant to be empowering. When we take charge, we take control of our relationship and say you know what - “I haven’t been perfect. I haven’t been the partner that he needs either and if I want to improve my relationship I need to own my part and start taking charge for it getting better.”
This isn’t to be confused with taking responsibility for your partner's actions or that it’s all on you that the relationship isn’t what you want. It takes two to tango and even more than that, if you expect your partner to just know how to be your partner without guiding them - you’re going to be disappointed no matter what man you’re with.
3. Always Assume The Best.
I get it, your partner has work to do and you want better from him. You know he’s capable of more and you’re tired of waiting around to receive it.
But hear me out, when we approach out partners from a place of always
“nagging” (also known to a man as telling him how much he’s lacking in being the man you need), he ain’t gonna change!
He’s not going to listen more attentively or ask follow up questions or frankly, want to spend time with you. When was the last time you were super eager to be loving or hangout with someone who was always criticizing you or when you can just tell they aren’t happy with you, but you can’t pinpoint what you did wrong.
If you want your partner to be better or do better by you - you always have to assume the best about them.
Always assume they’re trying their best or would do better if they knew better. Maybe they don’t have the skills to be a better partner or he’s exhausted from providing for his family or maybe he had bad examples of what a partner is supposed to be.
See what he is trying to offer, be grateful for his attempts, and assume that he will get better with time, as will you.
4. Ask For What You Need.
For many women, myself included, we aren’t taught to voice our thoughts and feelings, let alone opinions. We’re told to be a “good girl and go help mom with the dishes” or “sit there and look pretty.” We aren’t told that what we think and feel is important and that we too have needs that should be met by those around us.
Asking for what we need can feel quite threatening. It can feel too vulnerable or selfish even. We might think that when our partner is happy, we’ll be happy. That tending to their needs is what’s best for our relationship.
And don’t get me wrong, it is important, but it can’t end there.
It doesn’t do your partner any favors for you to have all the answers as to how to be a good woman and take care of him, but cut him off at the knees as to how to be the same for you.
Women are raised to be wives. It’s in our genetics at this point. We just know how to take care of people. Men aren’t the same as women. They don’t come with an innate sense that when a woman is overwhelmed and huffing around her house- you’re supposed to start cleaning alongside her, not hide until she’s done.
If you want to improve your relationship, just ask for what you want. And simply. Just ask. No further explanation or the laundry list of times he’s failed. Just ask. And when he does whatever you asked, be grateful.
5. Practice Self-Care.
One of the simplest things we can do for our relationship is practicing self-care, but for some of us, it’s the absolute hardest thing to do.
We spend the majority of our lives as women tending to others. Making sure this person is taken care of and this person has what they need. We’re constantly expected, whether internally or externally, to be something for somebody. And it can get really old.
You start to feel resentful and angry and you might start to lash out at your partner or your kids. You’ve been pouring from an empty cup for too long.
If spending time or money on yourself feels wrong- you need to get over that ASAP. Whatever keeps you from giving to yourself and meeting your own needs (also known as self-care), it’s time to rewrite the rules for your life. It’s time for you to acknowledge how much you offer those around you and that you too deserve time to yourself and things for yourself.
And if this still feels too difficult- take the perspective of every time you refill your cup- the more you’re able to offer from it. The better partner and mother and friend and employee, you’re going to be. So instead of thinking “I’m doing this for myself,” think - “I’m doing this for… (whoever you are ultimately trying to care for instead of yourself).
6. Notice Where Your Feelings Are Rooted.
Most of the issues we deal with today in our partner relationship is rooted in our past. We’re only seeing the top of the tree when we feel insignificant by them walking through our freshly mopped kitchen with work boots on or when we feel stupid when they don’t ask us our opinion on a matter.
Whatever feelings you have about your partner that are hurtful to you are likely from a previous life experience that taught you a belief about yourself.
Think about the way you felt the last time you were hurt or mad at your partner. Bring that instance to mind and those feelings- what did it mean about you? (I’m not good enough? I have to be perfect? I’ll be abandoned? I’m unworthy?...)
Now think, when have I felt this way before? Follow that tree down to the root to where the seed was planted. If we want our relationship to be better, we have to acknowledge that our partner has “some'' to do with the way we feel about ourselves, but not all of it.
You have to uproot that menacing tree from your heart that was planted well before him to finally be able to have the relationship you so desperately are searching for. That seed was a lie and it has caused enough pain for you.