4 signs your overspending is actually unresolved trauma
Don’t get me wrong, I love shopping. Buying things for ourselves, for our loved ones, for our home- it brings us joy. It’s fun!
But if your spending has started to take on a mind of its own, here are 4 signs that it’s actually unresolved trauma.
You’re Going Into Debt.
Spending money isn’t the problem, it’s spending more than we have. If our desire to buy things, whether they’re from Walmart or the Mercedes dealership, comes with a price tag that we know we can’t afford and is likely going to stress up the F out later- we’ve got a problem.
If you’re going into debt over unnecessary purchases - you’ve lost control. You’re no longer just having fun or enjoying the money you make - you’ve handed the reins of your life and finances over to a part of you that has unmet needs and you think spending will somehow fix this (whether you realize it or not).
You have to ask yourself- Why am I spending so much? What am I trying to get from these purchases?
If the driving force of your overspending is because otherwise you’ll feel inadequate, or you’re trying to avoid other issues in your life or from your past, or you’re seeking out that high from having something new and shiny- It’s time to look deeper and do some work on yourself before you go bankrupt.
2. The New Purchase High Doesn’t Last.
The best part of shopping, of buying something new - is the high you get from it! The excitement, the joy, the giddiness - especially when this new thing makes you feel important or beautiful or will help you stand out.
But ask yourself - how long does this feeling last?
When you look around your home and see all the knick knacks and pretty things that you have purchased over the years or rifle through your closet, do those things give you those same feelings?
Do you look at that blouse that you wore on your first date with your husband and feel the excitement you felt when he first saw you? The confidence it gave you to give this guy a chance?
Do you drive to work everyday in your uber expensive SUV (the one with the backseat absolutely DESTROYED by your kids- how does it even get that dirty?!) and feel as good as you did when you drove it off the lot?
What about the things you just recently bought? Do they still bring you joy or can you even find them in the piles of things you keep adding to?
If you don’t find joy in what you already have - then buying more won’t fix it. If the high doesn’t last long enough to warrant the purchase in the first place- there’s more to this habit that needs your attention.
3. Anxiety & Depression Are Your Main Feelings.
All of us experience anxiety and depression. It’s a human emotion and it’s going to happen to all of us on a regular basis. The question you have to ask yourself though is - are anxiety and depression always around? Are they lingering? Do they stand beside you in every moment of your life?
If the moments where you’re spending money or adding that new thing to your space is one of the few times where you feel present, where you feel some happiness, where you feel in control - then Houston- we have a problem.
When we live with anxiety and depression versus experiencing it when it’s an appropriate feeling, we’re dealing with unresolved trauma. Whether it’s Big T or Little t, trauma shows up as inexhaustible anxiety and depression and no amount of spending or alcohol or anything, will make it go away.
We all seek things out to make ourselves feel better at times, but if looking outside of yourself to fix your problems is a way of being, it’s time to look inside and heal what’s hurting.
4. You’re Compensating.
We can easily point this out when we see a man in a flashy car or monster truck that gets 5 miles to the gallon- “Dude must be compensating for something” and we laugh.
What we don’t realise is that we all compensate. We all do things in place of other things that we can’t do or feel we’re lacking at.
Think about how you treat your kids- commonly we feel like we’re lacking as mother’s, so our weekends are spent filling every moment with activities or buying our kids every toy imaginable, so that they don’t miss out on what we can’t give them.
Or you plan extravagant trips for you and your partner to reconnect. Hoping that the distance and lack of intimacy on a regular basis will somehow be made up for, over the course of a 6 day vacation in Cancun.
We have to ask ourselves if these efforts are simply us compensating the way we feel about ourselves? Are we spending money and buying things as a way to make ourselves happy or others happy, or to make us feel less like disappointments, failures, worthless, insignificant, unlovable, you name it?
Whatever you believe about yourself that spending is compensating for is rooted in trauma. It’s rooted in a time in your life where you were led to believe that you were bad, too much, stupid, small, ugly, mean, whatever it was for you.
No amount of spending will make us better mothers or partners or women. No amount of spending will fix the problems in our lives.
What will fix these things, what will make you the person you are meant to be and gain the skills to be better in all areas of your life - is resolving your trauma. Healing from the past and leading your life from your highest self.
